Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
