I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
