fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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