he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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