Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
