I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
