My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
