ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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