It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I currently don't understand fingers.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
