i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
wow bdsm is so cute
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
