I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
