I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
