just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
