Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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