your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
