I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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