What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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