So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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