I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
