she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
