I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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