she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
