I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
