she kept yelling 'call me bella'
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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