Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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