sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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