i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
