My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
