Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
