hotel room ftw
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
