I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
