I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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