Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
