dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
