I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
