He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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