final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
