fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You took a bar mat shot.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
