I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
