A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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