if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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