im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
