census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
