So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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