I wish I could teleport
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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