So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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