Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
