i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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