In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
