afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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