Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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