A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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