need another drink. this is the easiest way
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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